is bruce lee real or is he fake i think hes fake cos who can even kill people by looking at them

so like
i see this guy
chuck norris
everywhere

people make jokes about him
like
chuck norris is so manly
that he didnt use head and shoulders
for his beard
i mean its called head and shoulders for a reason
and your beard is part of your head
and arnold schwarzenegger was made
from his beard dander

or like
steven seagal
was going to be a fisherman
when he grew up
but then he got
a teddy bear
stuffed with chuck norrises beard dander
and thats why he is what he is

i mean no offense to fishermen
dudes are manly as heck
like
how brave
do you have to be
to go out into the ocean
in a tiny boat
when you know
that there are scary ass things
everywhere
like swordfish
dude those things
are stone cold
like
their name
sword fish
they are literally living weapons
swordfish
jaws
dude a shark
named after
its deadliest part
like imagine a human
not named a nice name
like javier
but someone like
hand solo
when someone has that name
you know not to mess with them
cos they got their name
from their deadliest part
hand
and they dont even need help
solo

and krakens too
like
giant octopus
no thanks

fishermen are so brave
like imagine being on a tiny boat
middle of ocean
storm
and you and your motley crew
of five men and poop deck swabbie
standing with harpoons and cutlasses
and a giant squid monster cthulhu
comes to wreck you
all that
just to get fish
food for your family to eat
my prayers go out
to these brave fishermen
save them
jesus

hey guys some people have said that i cant do the mona lisa with my eyes closed but guess what i can

so like
some people
think that i lie

like
when i said
i could do the mona lisa with my eyes closed
they thought i was lying
but
i can

so from now on
i will include
a bonus picture
with every post
for no extra cost

anyway back to the topic
uh
so like
pizza right
what is even a pizza
its just
circle dough
with stuff on it
thats a pizza
but
thats not specific enough
like
a square is a rhombus
and a parallelogram
so if i call a square a parallelogram
im not giving the best answer
so
you cant call pizza
just circle dough

that raises the question
what is pizza
i mean
i can put a bomb
on a circle dough
that doesnt mean its a pizza

biscuits
are circle dough
and theyre not pizza
so
what is it

like
i can have
meat lovers pizza
and supreme
theyre both circle dough
with stuff on them
but theyre not the same
how does that even work

like
every pizza has cheese
but you can get cheese pizza
so does that mean every pizza is a cheese pizza
so you can just complain
hey this is cheese pizza
you just added some stuff to it
i demand a refund
why dont people do that
you cant be proven wrong
because technically your pizza
meets the definition
of a cheese pizza
a pizza with cheese

cheese pizza is such a ripoff
who would even buy it
like
seriously
just go eat cheese and bread
jesus

how come people dont just use robots to do everything i mean will smith does and arnold schwarzenegger is so why cant everyone else

so like
i was looking at my
vacuum cleaner
and i was like
dude
why cant you just suck the floor yourself
i mean
its not that hard
turn the on switch
move around
even a baby can do that
hell
thats what babies do all the time
like
all these news reports
about japan
and how their anime robots
or whatever
are so advanced
that they can do maths or something
i dont believe that
like
my vacuum
cant even talk
how do you expect it to do maths
this aint a cartoon mate

obviously from this
means that those documentaries
about will smith and his robot friends
and arnold schwarzenegger
and his robot self
theyre wrong
and no one has ever called them out
like really
no one
youre just
letting us be blinded

maybe one day
when they build a robot
that can build a robot
maybe i will believe them

but by then
the robots
will just be building robots
all the time
and there will be more robots than people
because people take 9 months to make
but robots
you can build them in 1 second
and since
there are 60 seconds in a minute
60 minutes in an hour
24 hours in a day
30 days in a month
in 9 months
that means 270 days
which is 6480 hours
which is 388800 minutes
which is 23328000 seconds
if any of this is wrong blame my calculator

so for every 1 person
that is made
there are 23328000 robots
step it up people
well
not really
cos robots are still dumb
i mean
like i said before
they cant even do maths
so dumb
jesus

whats so hard about going at the speed of light i mean we see light all the time and weve made ferraris so how come we cant go as fast as a lightbulb

so like
i was reading this book
about time travel
well
reading
the blurb
of the book
and it got me thinking
dont these time travel authors
understand
that time travel is impossible
like
seriously
what would happen if
the person went back
and killed themselves
like
wow

do you really think
the universe would let that happen
why even write a book
about such a dumb concept
if someone could travel back in time
they would have infinite money
and live forever
so dumb

what would happen if
you put a time machine
inside a time machine
and set one for the future
and one for the past

holy jesus
that is

what

the
my mind
has been twisted
into a mass of string
like
entangled
so much entanglement
between the thoughts of my brain
woooooooooooow
jegus christ
i need
to sit down
jesus

what happens if you tie like 5000 flies to yourself and make them fly are they strong enough to carry you or what

so like

has anyone ever thought

about

why winter is so cold

like

what the heck

bipolar earth

one minute 1000 degrees

next 

-1000 degrees

like

this isnt a quadratic equation

i just want

an absolute value 

for the temperature

is that too much to ask

but no

mother nature has to go on a hissy fit

give us the cold shoulder

seriously

like

can someone smack earth on the head

maybe the concussion

will make it reconsider

being so pissy

jesus

like call mars or the moon

hey i got this

baby screaming

can you come over and boot it in the face

thats probably what killed the dinosaurs

but

what i dont understand

is how humans are still alive

if that big comet hit the earth

and killed all the huge ass dinosaurs

like

humans aint that great

we didnt have bomb shelters or anything

so how did we even survive

i bet there werent ever dinosaurs

its all just a big lie

like

how did humans even survive

like jeff goldblum

nearly died 

to the dinosaurs in jurassic park

and they werent even the real deal

thats so dumb 

in the jurassic park book

jeff goldblum

actually died

get it right steven spielberg

sam neill too

i mean

that guy

is a stone cold

bad ass

alien killer

and he almost got wrecked too

so if these dudes nearly died

how did the cavemen survive

answer that

hide in a cave

get killed by cave dinosaur

hide in the water

get killed by water dinosaur

hide in bushes

get killed by bush dinosaur

hide in aeroplane forever

get killed by air dinosaur

and how would you even get food 

see

no way

that dinosaurs could have existed

i mean if they did

wouldnt the world be ruled by them right now

i would be a dinosaur

you would be a dinosaur

but guess what

were not

its all just a big lie

god damn it

how do pianos even make noise like they have no speakers so where does the sound come out

so like
what is so great
about the mona lisa
i mean
its just a painting
get over it
its not even that great
you can tell its a painting
like
why not just take a photo
of a woman
that would look more realistic
and better
than some dumb painting
seriously
like
what the heck man
even i can draw a picture
better than mona lisa
with my eyes closed
so dumb
its not like the painter didnt have a camera
how do you explain how he was in titanic
you need a camera to make a movie
and he was in a movie
ergo
he had access to a camera
why not just take a photo of god damn mona lisa
instead of wiggling a dumb brush
on a piece of paper
looks better
faster
so dumb

how did someone so dumb invent the telescope
like
wow
jesus some people are just so lucky

how do we know something is right what is right maybe right actually means wrong and wrong means right and we are all wrong

so like
this newton guy
like
whats his deal
man
this huge nerd
gotta make life hard for all of us
like
in his grave
right now
he is flipping the bird
with both hands
at the world

how arrogant can you get
this guy
thinks hes so great
thinks just because he made gravity
he can just
tell us what to do
no
i am perfectly happy
with the old ton
1000kg okay
no one needs your
useless new ton
mass and weight
same thing
no one says
you mass too much
or
that thing is weightsive
no
why is he even sir
like
he was a huge nerd
not a knight
he did calculus
not rescuing princesses
what
like
is there a nerd knight club
guess what
that would suck
no one needs a knight who knows how to find the calculus of a function
like seriously
queen elizabeth
were you senile even then
jesus

so if good people go to heaven and bad people go to hell where do the neutral people go

so like
i dont understand
why
some countries like being poor
like
hello
having no money is a bad thing
not a good thing

like seriously
how dumb
does the government have to be
to not realise
oh hey
we can just print out loads of money
and we wont be poor anymore
like
jesus
how do you even not think of that

i bet i
would be a better president
for those countries
than those dumb people currently running
like
being the president
would be so cool
i could make laws to get whatever i want
why doesnt the current president do that
like
hey im the president
forever
because of this new law i made
like how hard is that
and you get to be president forever
like hello
julia gillard
you just let that rudd guy take over
wakey wakey
so stupid
jesus

why do people even go to jail like doesnt it suck being stuck in the same place for a billion years

i never understand
why do people like to do crime
like
its not good for them
its not good for the crime done to person
its not good for me
its not good for anybody
why do it
why
so dumb

like what flaw
in reasoning
would lead them
to do crime
nobody in their right mind
would murder someone
or rob a bank
or cross the road without looking
that last one was a joke by the way

that is seriously a dumb law
like
cops
do you have anything better to do
than sit around
looking at kids crossing the road
and suddenly
one kid only looks one way once
and you just
pounce on him
like lions on a zebra crossing
like
get a life
get a job
do something
worthwhile
jesus

what happens if you put the sun in a black hole does it become a nothing because white and black are opposite and when you add opposite you get nothing

so like
my life
is so hard
like
oh my god
i had to wake up so early this morning
to feed my starving children
what you thought i was just
some
delinquent teen
complaining about their life
when in actuality its actually a pretty sweet life
well guess what
youre right

god damn i hate my parents
why do they always tell me what to do
like
i wanna eat kfc for dinner
but theyre like no
too expensive
too much fat
like excuse me sister
did you just call me fat

and then they say dont take that attitude with me
and like
wow
do they even listen to the words
coming out of my mouth
i said stop telling me what to do
and what do they do
they keep telling me what to do
jesus
can they like
not be
like that
thats all i wish for
just
screw world hunger
i dont care about no third world countries
like
what the heck does that even mean
are they telling me that there are like
mars babies
or something
that desperately need food
like they cant make it themselves
because all their water is frozen
like seriously world vision
do you expect me to believe that
jesus some people are just so gullible

damn it can everyone just be quiet about science and religion and everything its so dumb everything is dumb

ok im tired of this dumb debate
who even cares
about science or religion
both are so dumb

like
can we stop
talking about this
its been ages and everyone is still harping on
oh science is wrong
oh religion is wrong
and everyone calling each other knobs
like
shut up
for 1 second

i dont care
what you think
think what you want to think

why dont we just
like
combine science and religion
there
problem solved

now we worship sir jesus newton or christ darwin or whatever
okay
that would be much better
i think someones already had this idea though
tom cruise i think
he made the scientology religion science thing
how god was a scientist
and he was making chemicals in his basement
because he had cancer
and needed to support his family
and he did something wrong
and the flask exploded
which was the big bang
and then he was like
damn
the lightbulb shattered too
let there be light
and then his protege comes in and replaces the light
and that was the light
see
tom hanks was right
its just belief
why you have to be mad
jesus

hey you know a long time ago when i said science sucks yeah i think it doesnt suck

so like
way back
a few years ago i think
i wrote a blog post about science being really crappy

but ive grown since then
ive come to realise that
religion isnt all that great either
i mean
like
noahs ark
what boat
has the buoyancy
to stay afloat
with 2 of every single species
of animal
on it
like
what is it made of
thats what id like to know
how big was it
how did noah even control the animals
was he like animal jesus

and genesis too
man
how does the snake
even talk
do these people even know
that animals cant talk
jesus theyre so dumb
the humans were dumb too
adam and eve
like
a snake
comes and tells you
eat this apple
but before
some
omnipotent being
said
dont eat this apple
so theyre like
damn
better listen to this shady snake
that we just met
5 seconds ago
like
what the heck
so dumb

seriously man can priests just shut up
like if you have something bad to say
dont say it
sir isaac newton some priests are dumb

so like science right they think theyre so good but guess what they aint

you know
i hate school
i mean
theyre forcing us to get an education
like
what gives
why is it mandatory
isnt a basic human right one of freedom
seriously obama
thanks for nothing
jesus

like you walk into a school
a science classroom
and you see all these
science posters
on the walls
really
what if someone doesnt believe in science
what if they have a religion
schools exposing students
forcing this stuff down their throats
like
can you not
thanks

now some people may be offended by this post
it may sound like i hate science
but
i actually dont
actually i do

wait who am i kidding science is fake
fakey fakey fake
where is the proof huh
if there was a big bang
why has no one heard it
if it was so big
what kind of gun
would even make a bang loud enough
to make the planets run away
answer that

if evolution really happened
how come my dog
isnt evolving to fly
selective pressure is there
dog still doesnt have wings
suck on it darwin

seriously man can scientists just please shut up
like unless you have something nice to say
dont say it
jesus christ some scientists are dumb

okay so some people think that im not me and thats not cool who would be me if i wasnt me huh take that christianity

yeah just sayin

hey why do we get hungry i mean it doesnt even achieve anything if i want to eat i will eat and if i dont want to i wont far out stomach youre not my mum

so like
man why do some people
gotta put down other people
just to make themselves feel better
like

like yesterday
when i was at bunnings warehouse
and i was like to the customer service
yo where the wares
and he was like yo
what wares
and i was like the bunnings wares
and he was like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat
and i was like this is a bunnings warehouse isnt it
and he was like yeah but that doesn't mean we sell bunnings
and i was like yo thats not right man you a bunnings warehouse that means you gots to sell bunnings
and then he was like dude if youre done kidding around i got some customers to serve
and it looked like he was serious
man looked like he was ready to dish out some delirious biznasty servings
like he was a servant in a high class restaurant
and the cook was like
yo
we got hella plates to deliver
and we was like
no worries bro
and then he put on his rollerskates
and rolled past all the tables and put down all the plates correctly
like what is the probability of that
so many permutations and combinations
we dont even know the number of tables of plates
wait yes we do
it was a lot

and then i went outside that shammy bunnings warehouse that didnt sell bunnings wares
and there were these dudes
and they were like
yo
you got any money
and i was like yeah i was gonna buy some bunnings but that guy was a stiff
they looked at me weirdly like i said some alien word
bunnings what are bunnings
and i was like hell i dont know
all i knows is they sell a lot of it here
and they were like
yo
i think we can convince the guy to sell us some bunnings
and well split them between us
so i gave them my wallet
and they walked off
not into the store though
i think they went to another bunnings warehouse
must be far away though
i really need my wallet


wait a minute

dude why do people even do drugs they kill you and all those people died from drugs like kurt cobain and justin timberlake and oprah

man
i hate science so much
all the time they brag about
how much they have advanced society
and i think thats bull
all scientists are just illuminati spies

like open your eyes

hey cool this button looks like a dot

one. dude we have 3 sciences at school
one a. psychics
one b. biologos
one c. stoichiometry
everyone knows a triangle has three sides
and if you do 3 sciences
that means you have 2 subjects left
maths and english
so if you do the geometry

3 sciences means 3 sides means a triangle
1 english means 1 side means a line
1 maths means 1 side which means a circle

and if you join them all together
you get the illuminati slogan

see illuminati
this school is officially part of a secret society
god damn it

has anyone ever thought about magnets how do they even work is it like gravity with planets and stars are magnets little planets and are metals little stars

so like

magic

i know some people hate magic

dunno why though

fallen monasteries and all that business i guess

whatever floats their titanic

magic

harry potter is such a knob

dude has ability to make infinity bread

but what does he do

fricken stupexpelliarmusectumsempracciosa

what would that spell even do

stupefy is stunning spell

expelliarmus is disarming spell

the movies were so dumb

the disarming spell didnt even disarm

it was like

generic bolt of light to give a practical demonstration of newtons third law

wait a second its not even right

wouldnt the shooting wizard get blown back too

so dumb

harry potter is so unrealistic jesus

sectumsempra is that cutting dark magic spell

the one that the red blood prince made and wrote in his textbook

like imagine one day 

you open your maths textbook

and some guy wrote

sliceguyopenus

and youre like

huh

thats a new equation

and then you write it

and then your teacher reads it

and theyre like

oh damn why am i suddenly bleeding

oh thats why they called him the white blood prince

cos he did blood stuff

yeah

that makes sense

anyway dumbledore

what a knob

like

he had the opportunity to kill voldemort

when he was a baby

like

he literally had wizard hitler

at his mercy

and he was like

nope

not gonna kill hitler

not gonna spare the wizard jews extermination

nope

gonna be cold blooded

like the half platelet prince

harry potter is so dumb

jesus

hey how come my posts dont go from top to bottom that makes no sense who even reads a book from back to front

so like
sometimes
i see mirrors
and i think to myself
what if the mirrors
were actually portals to an alternate dimension
where there is another version of you
doing exactly what youre doing
but you cant tell
because its exactly the same

that would be cool
i know science says that the angle of reflection is equal to the angle of incidence
but
does science say
why my bread
fell butter side down today
no
it doesnt
screw science
they dont even focus on making stuff to help us every day
like
grow up nasa
i know everyone wanted to be an astrologist when they grew up
but seriously
youre grown men
who even needs to go to space
i dont
i just want
my butter
to feel safe
on its toast
living without fear
of being hurled to the ground by the winds of fate
spending its last living moments
coming face to face
with its destiny
the ground
and all its hard work
the time it spent
growing up from being milk in a cow
being churned into butter
all that for nought
because of these dumb scientists
like steven hawkins
i mean why cant you be useful like your sister
jennifer hawkins
invent something like an antibreadfall machine
jesus

like seriously if nothing was everything and iff everything was nothing what would even happen would we exist would we not exist would existing exist what

so i do biology
and im like
yo
this is about life
and since you know
the bible said the meaning of life is 42 yeah

and im like
doesnt the bible hate science
why do the biblicans teach something scientists do
why
so dumb
its like
wow
do you really think
adam and eve got evicted from their house
just because
they ate fruit
what kind of stupid landlord is that
antivegan nazi hitler omega 3000
if you dont eat fruit you dont get your vitamins
and if you dont get your vitamins you die
and since this
god guy
made life
and he told them to do something that ends life

what is he thinking
jesus

have you ever thought about what would happen if nothing replaced everything in the universe

so i was walking down the street today and the pavement suddenly stopped existing
i was all like
whaaaaaaaaaaat

whered all the grey concretey stuff go
what the heck

instead of a slate coloured oblong interspersed with transversals
i got this
dumb ass huge black
expanse
what the hell man
i didnt order this
why they gotta deny me stuff that i didnt even ask for not to get

why

tell me why

i got so mad at the universe
i just said
screw you
and walked into the black

but then it was just the road
GOD DAMN IT

they dont think it be like it is but it do

hey what is going on
is this like

what is this

cool

*spelling
*nominalisation